I’m going to begin this blog with the best possible news in the world. I nursed for a total of six years (three years with each kid) and I received far more positive, encouraging words from strangers and intimates alike, than negative. Maybe my situation was unique. My parents were already dead. My peer group is fairly educated and, in California, most people love to see a woman nurse in public. Especially dudes who like to ogle breasts.
But that’s not to say that I didn’t receive some resistance. So I can only imagine the challenges of superhero pioneer breast feeders who are continuing to come out of the breast feeding closet in conservative (read: traditional formula feeding) communities. Thanks for what you are doing.
The way I deal with any negativity is to try to understand my critic. Understanding the emotional process of our critics can give us great insight into what makes them tick. Then from that place of compassion for their experience, we can find humane ways to retort or tolerate. First know this: Most negativity comes from a place of fear or insecurity, i.e. they fear you’re making a mistake or they are insecure about their own choices so they defend them hard. So let’s look at these fears and insecurities.
There are a number of reasons why people criticize breastfeeding. But I think I can boil them down to the four big ones: Insecurity, Shame, Jealousy and Fear of Sexual Cues. Allow me to break it down for you.
INSECURITY: The biggest negative feedback you may get iis from women who are not convinced that breast is best. They may have bought into the misleading ad campaigns of formula manufacturers or have so little support from family and at work, that they are forced to fall on the side of “formula is fine.” But they are still a bit insecure about their decision. So they cement their belief by attempting to get everyone to sign up for their policies. It confirms their choice. These mothers aren’t looking out for you, they are just looking to get someone else to support their decision because they are insecure about it.
SHAME: The second group of women who criticize nursing, know clearly that breast is best. But unfortunately they did not have the cultural support (or, that rare physical inability) to have a successful outcome. They console themselves with the belief that even though they didn’t nurse their “baby turned out fine.” However, the sight of your little angel happily suckling on your maternal bounty could be a big reminder to them. Deep down they believe they failed. If only they knew that our culture makes it so hard for women. None-the-less, you bring up feelings of shame for them that they can’t tolerate, so they project them out to you.
JEALOUSY: We’ve all heard about husbands who actually feel jealous of the baby’s close relationship to your body. That’s certainly possible. But other people can entertain those feelings too. There are a host of adults walking through our culture with severe attachment injuries that were inflicted during traumatic infancies. The sight of the deep bond you have with your baby can bring up ancient feelings of loss that are mostly unconscious. They know they feel mad at your relationship. They just don’t know why.
FEAR OF SEXUAL CUES: Believe it or not, some people still can’t get their head around the idea that breasts have two jobs. They are stuck on the fact that breasts are sometimes sex toys. On top of that, some of these people also have an intolerance of sexual triggers. In the text books, it’s called erotophobia (fear of sex or negative attitudes about sex). These people have a really hard time watching or thinking about a baby suckling because it brings up some of their fears about sex. They tend to be the strangers in public who tell you to “cover that up” or “do that in the bathroom.” Because breast feeding makes them afraid.
Okay, now that you have found some feelings of compassion for all your village of nay-sayers, let me turn things around and ask you to have a little more compassion for yourself. In any human conflict it always takes two to tango. If you are particularly vulnerable to critisism, those quiet barbs will land with a particular sting. Think of it this way. I bet you wear your seatbelt when you drive the car. If someone made a comment to you that wearing a seatbelt was wrong or not the best choice, you would probably just laugh at them. That’s because you are so deeply convicted in your decision that the criticism just rolls off you. Imagine if you could have those feelings about breast feeding?
My advice to you is to practice spoken affirmations about your choices. Try repeating ten times in the mirror each morning, “I’m doing what’s best for my baby,” or “I am an especially good mother.” When you know deep, deep, down in your bones that the sacrifice you are making is the best choice and when you can entertain compassion for those who criticize, then you will be free. Those words won’t hurt anymore.
Dr. Wendy Walsh is a journalist, mother, doctor of psychology, and popular culture junkie. She often finds herself asking “Why?” and finds the answers at the intersection of biology, psychology and culture. Well traveled and presiding over a multi-racial family, she has a particular sensitivity to ethnic issues. Want to know why people do the things they do? Dr. Walsh has some answers. She blogs daily for MomLogic.com, her own Blog, Dating.Mating.Relating., and is the relationship expert for Pregnancy Magazine. She also appears regularly as a psychological expert on CNN and The CBS Early Show. In addition she has appeared on EXTRA, The View, Lifetime Television and contributed to countless local TV, Radio and Print Media. Follow her on Twitter at @DrWendyWalsh and find her on Facebook; she’s got some great videos on YouTube, too!
Dr. Walsh holds a B.A. in Journalism, a masters degree in Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. As an author, she has written The Boyfriend Test, and The Girlfriend Test (Random House).