We have had a vision for a long time of seeing the breastfeeding discussed in a meaningful way on Oprah. Not sensationalized, “ewww breastmilk cheese” or “kooky mother is still breastfeeding her 8-year old” topics as we have often seen in the media that only serve to make breastfeeding more fringe when we are trying to make it mainstream. Not “benefits of breastfeeding” that will just further polarize moms without addressing the real problem- the “Booby Traps“- the barriers that keep moms from achieving their personal breastfeeding goals.
Cue all the seasoned PR folks to roll their eyes at the bajillions of people who have wanted to be on Oprah; naive do-gooders and entrepreneurs who see it as a magic bullet to convey their message or sell their product. PR folks know just how nightmarishly difficult it is to get on to Oprah, and that companies pay big bucks to make it happen. That’s okay, we know that too, and we are getting guidance on just how to bring it about, but to be realistic, it will probably take us a while.
Vote for Shari Criso's OWN Show on Oprah!
Which is why we were so excited to hear that one of our trusted experts, Shari Criso, RN, CNM, IBCLC has submitted an entry for “Your Own Show: Oprah’s Search for the Next TV Star.“ Some of you know Shari from #bfcafe on Twitter, where she has dispensed terrific tips and answered tricky breastfeeding questions. Some of you know her from her awesome full-breastfeeding-class-on-DVD and CD set, which we endorse because not enough parents are getting quality, WHO-Code compliant breastfeeding education. Some of you lucky ones have been her clients in her store or received private lactation counseling from her. We know Shari as all of these and more: she’s a powerful advocate for ALL parents, and is a key influencer (she is the new breastfeeding expert for Babies R US) who is helping us to give breastfeeding a makeover and raise awareness of and beat the “booby traps”.
Shari Criso has all the key ingredients to have a shot at winning the Oprah contest; a hot and important topic, a polished camera presence, a compelling message that can help moms, babies and the planet, and a loyal following. We are excited about the possibility of having a breastfeeding advocate take center stage on Oprah and raise the visibility of this issue in a meaningful way, so we are asking all of our friends and followers to please join us in voting for Shari! It only takes a few seconds . . . you can vote as often as you want and please leave a comment too so the producers of Oprah can see the impact she can have.
By chance I heard about a fun party in Manhattan last night, a book signing for the “Hot Moms To Be Handbook” by Jessica Denay and “Bachelorette” Trista Sutter, held at the Paul LaBrecque Salon on East 65th Street. Shari Criso, IBCLC, CNM who helps out at our #bfcafe twitter party and who co-wrote two chapters of the book, clued me in and encouraged me to go. Our good friend Liza Elliott-Ramirez, President of Expecting Models, one of the sponsors for the event, put me on the jam-packed RSVP list, doll that she is! (We still owe a huge debt of gratitude to Liza for donating the gorgeous “covergirl” photo that graces our webpage and postcards, as the only modeling agency representing both expecting and breastfeeding models (and as a former breastfeeding mom), she was immediately in love with our vision of giving breastfeeding a makeover and bringing some style and appealing images to the cause.) As a former Manhattanite I relished the chance to go in and have a little fun while getting the scoop on breastfeeding on the upper East Side.
Before hitting the book party I checked out the Yummy Mummy Store on the Upper East Side and met the owner Amanda Cole. What a beautiful, tastefully edited store dedicated to the breastfeeding mom! I enjoyed getting her lowdown on the best products for nursing moms and of course was thrilled when she raved about the Pumpease hands-free nursing bra . . . little did she know that they are a trusted sponsor of Best for Babes; not only is founder Wendy Armbruster Bell helping moms with a useful and stylish pumping necessity, but she is boosting the cause too so that more moms can achieve their personal breastfeeding goals! The staff and store were lovely all in all and it was great to connect with another mom passionate about helping moms.
BfB Co-founder Bettina and Jessica Denay, Author & Founder of Hot Moms Club
I got to the LaBrecque Salon a little early so I got to meet Jessica Denay, the founder of the Hot Moms Club. She was gracious and lovely, and must be full of energy because she seems to be everywhere, including Pregnancy Awareness Month (we are participating again this year!). Andi Silverman of Mama Knows Breast introduced me to Divalysscious Moms founder Lyss Stern who is also the editor-in-chief of the New York Observer’s Playground Magazine-a mag we will be checking out for breastfeeding style! I chatted nursing tips with moms who were getting pampered courtesy of the salon, and heard a common refrain: ”I wish I’d known with my first what I knew with my second” - well that’s where Best for Babes comes in, ladies, tell your expecting friends about the Learning Curve and Get Your Best Game On! I met @TheBabyGuyNYC in person (we’ve exchanged nipple butter on #bfcafe) the lovely Scandinavian ladies from Lillebaby (Scandinavians get breastfeeding, um, can you say 79% still nursing at 6 months?), and then Liza roped me in for an impromptu interview with Andi Silverman and Shari Criso about breastfeeding.
What I enjoyed most about the event was cheering moms on. I love telling moms that we support them to achieve their personal breastfeeding goals, whether that is 2 days, 2 months or 2 years; and seeing their faces relax and their smiles brighten. I love meeting moms who want to be the best moms they can be but insist on squeezing a little style and a night out with the girls into their lives. Personally I can not function as a mom or as a wife without my girlfriends. I would love to see Hot Moms Club join us in giving breastfeeding a makeover and help their members see that for breastfeeding that you can be nurturing, nursing, and glamorous too! If maternity is HOT (and has blossomed into a burgeoning industry) then let’s do what Demi Moore, Liz Lange, Gwyneth Paltrow, et al. have done for pregnancy and do it for breastfeeding, ’cause, well, we think breastfeeding is even hotter! :-)
Here’s a fun video of the event (love the music!), produced by Michael Jurick should give you a good flavor of the evening. Thanks, gals, for a great night out!
Actress Alysia Reiner & Best for Babes' New Champion for Moms!
Actress Alysia Reiner has inspired viewers with her film, tv and stage roles, including the films Sideways (for which she won a SAG award), and The Vicious Kind; guest appearances on 30 Rock, Law and Order (CI) and the Sopranos and numerous award-winning plays. Alysia is currently appearing in numerous film festivals with SPEED GRIEVING a short film she created, produced and stars in.
We were thrilled that Alysia approached us to help our cause; she is incredibly warm, grounded, and passionate about her craft and about helping mothers succeed. She is constantly looking for ways to help us raise awareness and beat the “Booby Traps”. We are proud to designate Alysia Reiner as our latest Champion for Moms! By sharing her breastfeeding story exclusively with us, she knew we would be able to get more evidence-based, accurate information and resources into the hands of expecting and new mothers (we’re both Certified Lactation Counselors). She was also quoted in the USA Today story about the gift of donated breastmilk for mothers who are struggling with breastfeeding (or can’t breastfeed or decide not to breastfeed) and who want the next best substitute for their own milk—milk donated by another mother.
Best for Babes: Who or what inspired you to breastfeed, and to stick with it?
Alysia Reiner: I always thought it was such a mysterious and magical thing that women can do and always knew I wanted to try, my mom wasn’t able to, but I had heard it wasn’t as easy as one may expect - and then I found YOUR WEBSITE! When I found it and read the incredible article about the amazing benefits of breastfeeding, your inspiring interview with Gabby Reece, and maybe most important the BOOBY TRAPS which helped me prepare.
BfB: That is so cool that our interview with Gabby inspired you! Did you seek out breastfeeding advice during pregnancy? From where or whom?
AR: I went to a great class at Golden Bridge Yoga in LA, I got some helpful videos, read a bunch of books and had a lactation consultant’s number ready for after birth. I had enough friends have trouble that I knew it wasn’t as ‘natural’ as one may imagine.
BfB: What kind of birth experience did you have, and how did it impact breastfeeding? Did you have a “breastfeeding-friendly” ob-gyn, birth center/hospital and pediatrician?
AR: I gave birth in a birthing center, had fantastic midwives and an amazing doula - all which helped me so much because they were all very breastfeeding oriented. In fact at the center they took the bag filled with formula that they are supposed to give me, dumped all the formula and gave me blankets, witch hazel pads & and Lansinoh instead. My pediatrician is very breast feeding friendly, and even though Liv is a year now she encouraged me to breast feed Liv through the winter because it would be such a nasty flu season. Essentially I built a base of cheerleaders.
BfB: Who or what helped you the most during the learning curve of the first few weeks?
AR: My doula was amazing, and my friend Catherine who has 4 kids and breast fed them all, came over and set me up in the most amazing way. Everyone checked our latch a lot and all the research I did came in handy but David was my biggest cheerleader. He would encourage me and really educated himself to help (like supporting me and knowing I wasn’t crazy when I would take Liv off to get a good big mouth latch). He would write down feeding times, bring me water & food, he was so amazing.
BfB: Has breastfeeding detracted from or enhanced your relationship with your husband in any way?
AR: I think honestly he is in AWE so that’s always good. But seriously, becoming parents has so many deep ramifications on a relationship, it is hard to pin point what is connected to what. In general I would say he is just thrilled by it, it really is such an incredible thing our bodies do - that you can feed another human being nothing but this extraordinary liquid and see a human being grow and thrive! He is thrilled to see it and see the bond between Liv and I. Is he jealous sometimes? Sure. Have there been a few embarrassing intimate moments? Yep. He has to share my body, and a very special part of it, that he probably wishes he didn’t have to share sometimes but in general I think we both feel it’s worth it.
BfB: What do you like/love about breastfeeding?
AR: The closeness with Liv. Being able to soothe, comfort and make her feel safe and loved. I will be sad to give that up someday but she loves to hug and snuggle so much now. I also LOVE knowing what is going into her body. I have been so careful about food, additives, chemicals, because I am her source of nutrition, and that feels so good. I have gotten so healthy. Show me the wheat grass and super foods! And Liv is a great eater, LOVES veggies and I do wonder if it is because I have been so green in my eating. [BfB Note: Dr. Alan Greene says breastfeeding exposes babies to thousands of flavors!]
BfB: Has this experience been different in any way from what you expected? Any obstacles along the way?
AR: I didn’t expect to love it so much. To feel so miraculous. To do it so long. I thought I would stop when she could ask for it but then she started talking really early - oops. The obstacles were: the first month is HARD - just getting used to it, regulating your flow, pumping, all of it. Again girlfriends helped so much. Now it’s so easy.
BfB: What is the most unexpected gift you have received from breastfeeding Livia?
Being able to give my milk to another mother. I didn’t even know if I would be a make enough for one baby, as a small breasted woman I was actually very concerned about that (as it happens size has nothing to do with milk production). I have a lot in storage just in case of emergency and never needed it, so I started looking into donating it to a milk bank. At the same time I spoke to a friend who was having a very hard time with breastfeeding, and suggested she look into milk banks. Then it dawned on us both that it might be easier to just do a direct donation, similar to when you direct an organ donation or direct a blood donation. So I am happy to be able to share my milk with another mom’s baby. Feeding Liv is heaven and such a gift, but sharing my milk was the most incredibly unexpected gift of all.
*Best for Babes Note: Although milk-sharing and cross-nursing have gone on since the beginning of motherhood, any exchange of bodily fluids carries a risk of transmitting communicable diseases such as HIV, hepatitis, etc. and mothers and babies have died from the transmission of diseases. (Salma Hayek cross-nursed another baby in Sierra Leone but we suspect (and hope) that both she and the baby were tested first, as it is possible for the baby to transmit disease to another mother!) For that reason, we strongly caution against direct donation and recommend that mothers wishing to donate milk or needing donated milk contact the Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA). HMBANA is celebrating its 100th year of SAFE, RELIABLE milk banking and we hope that someday that ALL mothers who can’t breastfeed, choose not to breastfeed, or whose babies are medically indicated for supplementation will have access to human milk from a registered milk bank, the superior, preferred substitute for direct breastfeeding or pumped breastmilk from the mother . HMBANA ensures that all milk is properly handled, screened for diseases, and pasteurized before it is given to another baby. Only if moms demand this superior substitute will it be made more available.
BfB: How did you juggle breastfeeding and going back to work? Did you run into any “Booby Traps“?
AR: I was super lucky going back to work. In the first couple months, I did a workshop of a new play, and the producer & director were both moms who accommodated the schedule to Liv’s feeding schedule. My amazing husband brought Liv to the rehearsals, and the studio we were rehearsing at gave me a lovely private room to feed her in. Next I worked on some TV shows, all of which gave me an extra room or more roomy trailer so I had room for Liv’s stuff, her car seat/stroller and a warm cozy spot to feed her. The crew were great about communicating to me about the schedule so I could plan her feedings around shots. I am so grateful to them all because I know that is not always the case. Now I am running around to festivals with my film ( SPEED GRIEVING - join our facebook fan page!), and it’s much easier because she feeds so much less often, and again my husband had been incredible about helping make it work.
I think for me it was such a diplomacy game. It was so important to explain right off the bat that I love to work, I am grateful to be invited to collaborate as an artist, AND this was a priority for me (just to be clear, even though I did pump and that was available to her just in case I wasn’t available, it was always my preference to be with her), AND at the same time be clear that I am a professional and I will show up as such - it’s such a balance.
BfB: Experience is the best teacher. Is there anything you learned along the way that you are inclined to share with her moms?
AR:1) BE PREPARED: EDUCATE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BEFORE YOU HAVE THE BABY.
2) HAVE SUPPORT & CHEERLEADERS.
3) KNOW THAT THE FIRST FEW WEEKS ARE ROUGH, BUT IT REALLY DOES GET EASIER.
BfB: Thank you so much for that awesome, perfect advice, and for helping us inspire, prepare and empower more moms!
2. The RightGear: While all you really need for breastfeeding is at least one boob and a baby, here are our 4 top must-haves: the Simply Breastfeeding DVD, the Earth Mama Angel Baby Breastfeeding Support Kit, a My Brest Friend breastfeeding pillow, and a comfy chair with a stool (or a stack of books in a pinch). Chances are you already know about having a comfy, non-underwire nursing bra or tank top.
3. Your birth experience can dramatically impact your breastfeeding experience and success. Read Your A-Team to find out what you should ask your hospital and physicians about breastfeeding to know if you will get real help or just lip service.
4. Demand Donor Milk: Only if moms start requesting donor milk from a registered milk bank will it be made available! Too many doctors don’t even know about it, too many hospitals don’t carry it. Start spreading the word about this superior substitute for a mother’s own milk. Hopefully you won’t have breastfeeding problems, but if you do, you deserve the best supplement-pasteurized, screened, donated human milk from a milk bank.
Today, March 3rd 2010 is IBCLC Day as designated by ILCA-the International Lactation Consultant Association. (IBCLC stands for International Board Certified Lactation Consultant.) This year’s theme is “Experience You Can Trust.” Best for Babes would like to congratulate ILCA on 25 years, and salute the thousands of incredible, dedicated lactation professionals who are helping moms and babies breastfeed every day. While there are still not enough lactation consultants (IBCLCs) per capita in every region, the numbers are growing, as is the awareness of the critical role that IBCLCs play in the mother-baby breastfeeding relationship. Given breastfeeding’s power to reduce the risk of diseases in mother and baby, IBCLCs are truly helping to save two lives for the price of one. If you were fortunate enough to have the help of a great lactation consultant, we hope you will stop right now, and send them a note and thank them. Trust us, they don’t make nearly what they are worth (though we do think health insurance should covered the cost fully, based on reduced lifetime risk of disease and hospital visits). As was beautifully described in the recent New York Times article, lactation consulting is a science and an art, and it is time we gave them their due. We have had the wonderful opportunity to meet amazing IBCLCs (and even a few MD IBCLCs-fancy that!) and we worship the ground they walk on.
We also thought IBCLC day was a great opportunity to talk about a hidden “booby trap” that moms need to know about and know how to navigate. All too often, new parents are getting poor breastfeeding guidance from so-called hospital lactation experts, some of whom are not even experts at all! How do we know? It happened to us!
Bettina: I was having a lot of trouble latching my first baby in the day after he was born. I had seen what seemed like an endless parade of nurses on duty, all of whom had different advice for me and my newborn. Finally I asked if there was a lactation consultant available to help me latch my son. The so-called specialist on call marched in my room, and barely said hello before she yanked my boob and gruffly moved my baby so she could shove my breast into his wailing mouth. “There you go,” she said, and marched back out. I can not describe how offended and humiliated I felt, and how my already flailing confidence in my ability to learn to breastfeed was completely eroded.
Remember indifferent Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
Sound familiar? We have heard far too many horror stories of moms like this one; stories of so-called lactation “specialists” who took one look at a vulnerable new mother’s exposed breasts, and shook their heads, non-chalantly crushing that new mother’s hopes and dreams. Giving out nipple shields like they are candy, telling a mom that she will have difficulty breastfeeding because her nipples are too small, too large, or too flat, recommending nighttime formula-feeding so that mom doesn’t “wear herself out,” are just some examples of routine, non-evidence-based — i.e., bad — advice given out daily which can spoil breastfeeding, often for good. To be sure, there are excellent, gifted lactation consultants (IBCLCs) and lactation counselors (CLCs) all over, both hospital-based and in private practice. There are also many wonderful nurses who go above and beyond to help mothers succeed in achieving their breastfeeding goals. Unfortunately, however, the Centers for Disease Control found that most hospitals perform poorly on breastfeeding support. It is a crying shame, but new parents can’t assume that every hospital with a maternity center-some 3,000 in the U.S.-will provide quality breastfeeding help. Unless the institution itself has been designated “Baby-Friendly” (and only 3% are) or has a proven track record of high breastfeeding initiation and continuation rates, you will very likely find an awful lot of lip-service to “breast is best”, and along with it, imposters – nurses dubbed “lactation specialists” who have only received a few hours of uncredentialed breastfeeding education, or who have enhanced their paychecks and credentials by taking the IBCLC test but don’t display competency (or much compassion), and don’t seem to stay true to evidence-based breastfeeding management. And the real lactation “pros?” There are many awesome, talented lactation consultants who are crushed under an impossible caseload and unable to deliver the care they are capable of. And often they are like lone wolves running against a pack of nurses and physicians, and pushing against outdated hospital policies.
The cost of this masquerade is very high, and those who are committed to delivering excellent breastfeeding care have known this for a long time: Relying on poor quality lactation support and having a miserable breastfeeding experience, can be a bigger blow for moms personally, and for breastfeeding in general, than not having received help at all. Moms who go down this road of getting quasi-help and failing will be absolutely convinced that they are fundamentally incapable of breastfeeding, and worse, even that it was their fault. Their collective experiences also validates the common myth that large numbers of moms “can’t” breastfeed or that breastfeeding is always horrendously difficult. Their destroyed confidence can affect how they feel about mothering this child, can carry over to their next newborn, can discourage their peers, and can provoke understandable defensiveness and anger against those who well-meaning friends, health care providers or advocates who harp on about breastfeeding.
So, what is an expecting or new mom to do? We encourage you to educate yourself and to be empowered as you choose where you will deliver your baby, and as you go through the birth and new mother experience. This doesn’t mean that we want you to be a nightmare patient; it is always a good idea to be pleasant and respectful as you advocate for yourself and your babe. We have a great deal of respect and admiration for the thousands of health care professionals whose job is to take care of us when we are at our most vulnerable, and a little courtesy goes a long way. That said, unless moms start asking questions and requesting that hospitals provide truly excellent breastfeeding support, nothing will change.
Here are some suggestions:
Rely on word of mouth. If you haven’t joined a breastfeeding support group, do so now, and get the skinny on which birth centers and hospitals are best for breastfeeding support. You may be lucky and have a Baby-Friendly Hospital nearby! If you can’t find a breastfeeding group, tap into the doula and midwife community in your area: these professionals are a wealth of information.
Have a back-up plan: bring the numbers of a few recommended, independent lactation consultants (IBCLCs) or proven excellent lactation counselors (CLCs) with you, even better, interview a few in advance and put the number of the one you are most comfortable with in your speed dial. Again, it’s best to find qualified help by word of mouth through a breastfeeding support group, the birth community, or even a baby store. You can also go to http://www.ilca.org and search for lactation consultants by zip code.
Get to know your lactation consultant.
Heather Kelly, IBCLC, teaches a breastfeeding class in NYC and gives workshops through BigCityMoms.com
Read What to Look for In a Lactation Consultant by Heather Kelly, IBCLC. Interview potential LCs by phone first; do they make housecalls? Do they take your insurance? How are fees structured? Do they run a support group? Most importantly, does their style mesh with your parenting philosophy?
Know excellence. Quality lactation counselors are highly trained, compassionate, and have your and your baby’s best interest at heart. They are excellent listeners, will take your breastfeeding history, will be professional, and will always ask for permission before examining you or helping you with a breastfeeding position, hand expression, or the like. They want to make sure you have all the information you need to make an informed decision so you can begin the parenting journey with confidence, no matter what your final decision is, whether to breastfeed, formula-feed or a combination of both. (Like a good coach, though, they will want to help bring out your best, and are likely to encourage and motivate you to try breastfeeding for a while before you make a final decision.)
Watch for red flags: anyone who touches you without asking, judges you, or humiliates you is not acceptable. You may want to take down their name and the details of what happened and consider further action. Hospitals want to serve their patients and will want to know if the quality of their care in any arena is unacceptable. Wait until you’ve caught up on sleep to make sure you have a good perspective.
Prepare for breastfeeding before birth. Read our Ultimate Breastfeeding Preparation Checklist, learn how to find your A-team (ob-gyn, hospital, pediatrician), read the Learning Curve, and How to Get Your Best Game On, for starters. Pregnancy lasts nine months but the benefits of breastfeeding last a lifetime for you and your babe, babe! Decorating the nursery is fun but knowing how to navigate booby traps is essential.
How does excellent care look from the perspective of a lactation consultant? Not to set the bar impossibly high, but here is the experience of Nikki Lee, RN, IBCLC, a wonderful lactation consultant (and my teacher during my CLC training), taken from her comment on our post about Healthy Children:
Nikki Lee, RN, IBCLC: a great lactation consultant and educator
I loved my work as a hospital LC. My favorite thing was to invite the baby into the conversation and encourage the mother to put her baby skin to skin, then pull up a chair and sit and chat. Neither the mother nor I could see the baby because it was under a blanket on the mom’s chest.
Half the time, in the middle of our conversation, the mother would get an amazing surprised look on her face and say,”My baby is breastfeeding”. I LOVE THAT!!. No work on her part, we were having a good time together, and the baby showed the mother that breastfeeding could be very easy.
The stuff I didn’t like about the hospital experience was having to fight against the ignorance of some hospital staff who were suspicious of skin to skin and totally convinced that giving the baby a bottle of formula was the solution to most problems and challenges. I didn’t like that mothers and babies were never left alone to figure things out for themselves. I didn’t like the time presssure, that a baby would have to nurse by “X” number of minutes, or else.
I really didn’t like how mothers and babies were injured and disconnected from each other as a result of birth technology and surgery and induction. It was so difficult to get breastfeeding going when a mother was recovering from surgery and her baby was premature.
I also didn’t like that so many staff people wouldn’t want to know anything about breastfeeding even when invited to watch me and learn. They would just wait for me to come to work so that I could take care of all the mothers. Breastfeeding is everyone’s business, not only a LC’s!
Every once in a while, I would encounter a mother that didn’t want my visit. Sometimes it was because she’d nursed a bunch of other babies and felt confident. Sometimes it was because she’d heard bad things about LCs. That was hard to hear.
I loved to see the mothers that had chosen not to breastfeed. I wanted to be sure they knew how to be comfortable with their breasts that would have to dry up. I would sit down and chat with these mothers, and after some conversation, ask how she made her infant feeding decision. Half the time, the reason she’d made her choice was out of some misconception about breastfeeding. When that misconception was corrected, some mothers would change their minds. That was exciting. The other times, where the mothers were absolutely definite about their choice, I would ask them to tell me more so I could learn about their lives and the reasons for their choice. This was important and humbling.
Any strategies you have used to ensure you get excellent lactation care in the hospital or birth setting?
A couple of months ago I had a conversation with a mom on Twitter who had struggled with breastfeeding, and had been unable to find a support group either within or outside of her place of employment that accomodated working mothers. She was extremely frustrated and disappointed. Since not finding a breastfeeding support group can be a big “Booby Trap” that moms need help navigating and overcoming, I thought her story would be a great springboard to open the discussion and find out what mothers in a similar boat have done that works! Please read excerpts from her story below, and share your strategies and resources in the comments. We will use this discussion to generate a “Best for Babes Guide” to finding or creating a breastfeeding support group for working moms, either within or outside the workplace, and list your tips & suggestions! To get the Solutionssection started, underneath Anna’s story I am sharing the success of @crafteegirl in starting a workplace support group. Please note that we are NOT talking about employer lactation programs, that is a whole other kettle of fish; for more information on starting an employer lactation program see http://www.workandpump.com, or our Champion for Moms Juanita Ingraham’s story, complete with resources and advice.
Anna’s story*
The hospital breastfeeding class I took gave me a handout that included coupons for new-parent groups by age (which you could pay to continue) which, given they’d be made up of people in the classes, might be BF’ing friendly. Unfortunately, all were Tuesday-Thursday in the middle of the day (between 9 am and 3 pm). So much for the working mother once back to work! I didn’t bother going - the first months are hectic and the hassle didn’t seem worth it, all for something I’d have to give up. No evening options. No weekend options. Clearly, working mothers don’t need support.
So I checked out La Leche League. None within an hour’s drive of my house meets at a time that a person working standard office hours could make, unless perhaps they happened to be just down the street and did it on their break. Unless their day care was local, they’d be doing it without the baby, too. Over half were on hiatus. Some people have suggested that I should have just emailed the leaders. But I am very shy about approaching strangers, and didn’t want to come across as asking volunteers to turn their schedules around to accomodate me. Nothing on the website pages indicated any sort of openess to any change in schedule. It would have been at least nice if the website simply ACKNOWLEDGED the shortcomings of these schedules, for example, “We apologize for not having an evening/weekend group, but the organizers of this group have schedules that don’t allow for it.” or “We don’t currently have a weekend group but would be open to restarting a Saturday morning group if there is enough interest again; please email us.” . . . Seriously, just acknowledge the working moms exist. Not having a support group would still stink, but at least we wouldn’t be invisible.
There’s also a local mother’s group, part of Mom’s Club, in my city. Let me just quote: “We are specifically aimed at supporting moms who choose to stay at home with their children, including those who work out of their homes, as well as those who work part-time. We are the first, largest and fastest growing support group specifically for at-home mothers.” / “In order to become a member, you must be a mom and live in Wilsonville. Although any mom can join, most of our activities are during the day.” At least they were up front about it. And of course, they’re not a breastfeeding support group.
Message heard loud and clear, here: mothers who work outside the home are not in need of, or are not deserving of, support. In parenting, in breastfeeding, in anything. Never mind that just like being a stay-at-home mother, being a working mother has its ups and downs; never mind that breastfeeding really does need support. Yes, I wouldn’t expect a mother who works in the home and never pumps to have my concerns with storage of bottled breast milk, but the latch issues and the social support for extended nursing and so on would be welcome. If, you know, there were social support, which for people like me in this area there actually isn’t.
The good thing has been the internet. The breastfeeding community on LiveJournal, the Twitter community…you folks have been hugely supportive and informative. I think I’d have kept BFing anyway, I hope I would, because I operate on sheer stubborn and I WAS going to give my son the best I could. But you are the people who made it seem doable, who gave me the information I needed to tell off the medical professionals when they were being stupid (once I started reading and asking, anyway!), who have made me feel that I am not alone.
Locally? Except for one coworker, with whom I don’t really discuss issues, I am alone. On the internet, I’m not. But surely it can’t be right that the internet is the only place to find support. Where’s the community of likeminded people locally, with whom I could hang out, share a pastry, visit if we become friends? Not that I don’t love the people I meet on the ‘net but there’s a distance (literally and figuratively), and it seems unfair that there ARE local resources…if I didn’t work. It would seem less unfair if any of them even acknowledged that they are, by their schedules, excluding an entire class of mothers. But it seems like we don’t exist, to them. Very alienating and frustrating, at least for me.
(And my son? No supplemental formula since 6 weeks, almost none after 4 weeks, still breastfeeding strong. AND we got rid of all of the FREAKING hardware. My pediatrician was surprised-and-pleased that he was still BF at 6 months and going strong - she was very encouraging but with the start the hospital got us off to, she didn’t expect me to pull it off. Stubbornness, and information, are good things….)
(*name changed to protect anonymity at writer’s request)
Solutions
From @crafteegirl: I work for the State of Michigan and a co-worker and I started a support group for pumping moms. We called it Express Yourself because it fit the idea that we were “expressing milk” and that we wanted moms to feel free to talk about what worked for them and their goals without fear of judgement. We meet once a month on our lunch hour and talk about whatever the group wants to discuss. Not all of us are pumping anymore and not all of us are nursing at all anymore. We even have some moms come when they’re pregnant! We love that. We also keep a list of everyone’s e-mail address and send out information that moms might find exciting (i.e., resources in the community, new studies about breastmilk and breastfeeding, etc.). Though a friend and I started the group, we want every mom to feel like she can offer her experiences or opinions to the group. We don’t always talk about just breastfeeding…as moms there’s so much that goes on in our lives and we want to be able to share and discuss all aspects of motherhood. We started in March of 2009 and we already have had 2 babies born to our moms, who are both nursing successfully! It’s been a great group of women and we’re proud to have been a part of it!
Now, it’s your turn, working moms: please share your story, what resources you used and what worked for you!
Take it from me: we mothers find it very difficult to ask for help! When my son was born, I found myself entertaining guests even though I had a grueling delivery, suffered from undiagnosed post-partum depression and could barely walk (I’ll spare you the gory details of why). The fact that I could not articulate my needs or felt uncomfortable assigning specific tasks to my friends just worsened my already fragile state of mind. Being in my late 30s and having enjoyed a successful career, I was used to being in control of my life, so the more my house became unkempt, and the less I was able to accomplish, the more I spiraled into a dark place. Many moms today are living apart from their families and are extremely independent and self-sufficient, so bringing home baby and adjusting to the new realities as a family, including relying on others for help, can extra be challenging. Not preparing properly (expecting? see our ultimate checklist) or not knowing how to ask for help is a big “Booby Trap!”
But there is a better way. If you have read The Red Tent, or had the chance to live in or observe cultures that protect the mother-baby dyad, you will already know that taking care of the mother is the best way to take care of the baby. Julie Hamilton, Mrs. Nashville 2010, a mother of 3 including exclusively breastfed twins (read how she did it) and a blogger at memoirsofabreastfeeder.wordpress.com knows just how important it is to ask for help, and worked with us to create a tool that can go a long way in making sure that a mother of a new baby is being cared for. The best gift you can give any new mother is to nurture the nurterer! So yes, pick out that cute outfit for the new baby, but also make sure you sign up to deliver some TLC in the form of a meal, some grocery shopping, laundry folding or other errand. Many moms need more help with tasks; having a clean & organized house makes it easier to relax, turn off the brain, and sleep when the baby sleeps. Especially for breastfeeding moms, who need to master the learning curve of breastfeeding during the first few weeks, getting help can make or break her success. If you are an experienced mom, then you already know just how welcome your efforts are. If you are not a mom, then consider it part of the “what goes around comes around” cycle that will be paid back to you some day, in some form or another! If you are expecting your first, it is the best internship you could have to learn the ropes.
Here are the new tools Julie developed with us. Please let us know if you have suggestions to make them more useful to ALL moms who just had a baby. As a non-profit our goal we rely on volunteers and feedback so we can provide more free resources to moms!
BfB Help Sheet: A fill-in sheet to help new mothers or a mother of a new baby (baby #2, or #3, or #4 . . . ) enlist friends and family members to take care of errands and everyday household chores. There is space to add other things you need help with. Don’t be shy! The point is to ensure your success as a new mother so these first few weeks can be as enjoyable and rewarding as possible. If you are sunk in a pit of laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning up, you are no good to anyone. Here’s how to use it: Fill out one sheet for each friend. Record who is doing what accordingly on the master sheet, and give the help sheet to the person assigned to the task(s). If you have a home print/scan/copy machine, you can also make a copy of the help sheet to keep for yourself, if that makes it easier for you to keep track.
BfB Help Sheet-Master: This is a chart to help you keep track of who is doing what. It is to be filled out by the mom, her partner or a friend or family member who is helping the mom every week. Write the person’s name & phone number if necessary in the appropriate square, for example, “Amy S.: 212-999-9999″ in Dinner row, Tuesday column. If you have a really super organized friend who wants to coordinate this, even better! You may want to keep phone numbers of friends and relatives on a separate sheet that you can refer to, or that your partner, a relative or your best friend can use to contact anyone if there is a change in plans. Put it on the fridge, by the phone or by your bedside where you know you will see it.
We’re also compiling a list of helpful information and best resources on the ‘net on this topic. Any suggestions? Let us know, and we’ll add it to this list! All we ask is that the information be mom-friendly: non-judgmental, evidence-based, positive and encouraging, and not undermining of breastfeeding moms.
It’s been a crazy few days. My Best for Babes co-founder Danielle and I were scheduled to fly out to Ohio on Tuesday morning to meet with a key player in the breastfeeding world. Monday afternoon we noticed the weather report calling for a major snowstorm to hit the area and spread to the East Coast, where I live. Should we go or should we call it off? Every hair on my head said it was a mistake, that we should reschedule. Various things started to go awry as if to prove that it was not meant to be; Danielle didn’t feel well, my printer kept fritzing as I was putting together our press packets, my daughter got a bad scrape under her eye while sledding with a friend . . . you know how it is. I texted Danielle that I thought we should postpone. An hour later I spoke to her husband who said she had gone to bed and was set to leave for the airport at 4:30 a.m. So I worked until 2:30 a.m. and got up at 4:30 to leave for the airport myself.
We got to Ohio, and then I got a message that my flight back to Newark that evening had been canceled. We went to our meeting, met some folks who are truly passionate about helping moms and babies breastfeed successfully and had a great time all around. But what to do about my flight? Danielle’s flight had not been canceled because she was flying into Atlanta on a larger jet. I was booked on a flight for early Wednesday morning, but what if that flight too, would be canceled? The likelihood was high because all the planes to the East Coast were smaller and more vulnerable to the weather. My husband had already taken Tuesday off from work for me to stay with the kids, and now had to take Wednesday off too because school was canceled due to the storm, but I knew I had to be back before he left for a business trip Thursday morning. I decided to drive.
Really, I should have my head examined. On two hours sleep, pumped up with excitement from a great meeting and more ideas on how to “beat the booby traps” so that more moms can achieve their personal breastfeeding goals, I headed east on I-70 on Tuesday afternoon. The streets were icy and snow was coming straight at me but I kept up a good pace until I hit a wall of exhaustion at midnight. I had driven eight hours to Harrisburg, PA. I pulled off, declined the seedy motels, and settled into a Howard Johnson, feeling a twinge of nostalgia from my youth.
When I woke up the streets looked really bad. The snow had really come down hard, and there was not a crumb to be had at HoJo’s “Country Oven,” which was missing its employees due to the weather. I cleaned 4 inches of snow off my rental car (with my bare hands, having not thought of gloves in the scramble to get to the airport the day before) and pulled out, figuring that at least the highways would be clear.
I saw a few of these. Not fun. Image courtesy of racheltingley.com
I have never driven in worse conditions in my life. I thought the highway would be clear, but spent the next 8 hours (which should have been 3) crawling along single file on two grayish tracks in the snow. The visibility was low, I sat hunched over, peering out my snow-encrusted windshield, sandwiched between two trucks, gripping the steering wheel so tight I now have blisters on my fingers. I saw quite a few cars in various ditches, and a few slammed into the divider rail with a crushed bumper. At one point in the Pennsylvania mountains, the road was so bad that a couple of jacknifed trucks were just stopped on the highway; traffic slowed to 5 miles an hour as we wove our way around them. Anybody who was on the road was either a fool or was driving some precious cargo.
So, what about me? What precious cargo was I driving in my bright blue Dodge Journey (aptly named for my trip from hell) from Alamo? What on earth would persuade Danielle and I to fly right into the eye of the storm against our better judgment, and then have to practically dig our way out? If I could have hunkered down in a hotel and waited for the storm to clear and the flights to stabilize I would have; but I simply could not let my husband miss his trip when he has done so much for me and for Best for Babes. Was it sheer insanity?
I got a whole lot of help and a whole lot of love from some amazing women after a horrible birth experience and a rocky start to breastfeeding (you can still see traces of the black eye and burst blood vessels I had from pushing for 3.5 hours).
Nope, it was love. As I drove back, high on adrenaline, I was thinking about only two things: how badly I wanted to get back to my family and go sledding with my kids, and how much I want to help mothers and babies. These two loves are linked: never in a million years would I have ended up in this gig if it had not been for the awful time I had trying to breastfeed my son. My experience coincided with the stories of dozens of women that Danielle had been helping as a lactation counselor, and is what prompted us to found Best for Babes. We simply could not bear to see more women decide to nurse, only to have their hopes dashed by one booby trap after another. According to our contact at the CDC, 86% of expecting mothers say they want to breastfeed, yet only 74% even try once after giving birth, and the number of women breastfeeding exclusively as recommended drops precipitously during the first days and weeks, long before many mothers go back to work. Something is very, very wrong. If breastfeeding was really meant to be as hard as it is today the human race would have died out-hence our conviction that moms are not only not getting the proper support, but are actually being prevented from succeeding. A lot of moms are not as lucky as I was to be able to get excellent help and have women in my family who had breastfed and encouraged me.
Home at last thanks to my rental from Alamo. No 4-wheel drive but trusty nonetheless. The icing on the cake? After driving 16 hours in horrendous conditions without incident, I got stuck pulling into my driveway. Patrick had to shovel me out.
I still don’t know exactly what possessed me to basically endanger my life and make that crazy trip, but since I was listening to 80s tunes I’ll go ahead and be corny and say it was the “wings of love” (it’s okay, you can roll your eyes). Love for my kids and my awesome husband, but also the love I have for transforming the breastfeeding movement into a true cause that cheers on, coaches and celebrates ALL moms, regardless of whether they breastfeed for 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or not at all; love for my best friend and business partner Danielle who keeps going despite ongoing health problems stemming from her bout with breast cancer; love for all the moms and babies I meet. I do it because I know it can be done; we CAN create a culture where breastfeeding in public or pumping at work is not just barely tolerated but embraced and seen as the awesome power that it is, and where moms who can not or decide not to breastfeed are respected and cheered on and have access to the best substitute, screened, pasteurized donor milk from a registered donor milk bank.
I also do it because of the synergistic contagious energy that flies around when I meet people who care about making the world a better place. Every day I “meet” another mother who has gone above and beyond to help another mother, or a nurse that has gone the extra mile to help a new mom see an excellent lactation consultant. There is a lot of love out there, love and protection for moms and babies. I hope nobody else was nuts enough to drive in a blizzard, but I will bet that there are some incredible stories of the lengths friends and strangers have gone to help another mother navigate “the booby traps” and get the hang of breastfeeding her babe.
What have you done for love? In the spirit of upcoming Valentine’s Day, tell us your story of helping one or more moms breastfeed, or how you are changing the culture and “beating the booby traps“. We can’t wait to hear it!
We would love your input here. We have put up a new section on our website about how to be a “bosom buddy” and what to say and not to say to moms (see below), and would love more suggestions to flesh it out!
1) Be gentle. Come from a place of acceptance and compassion; most mothers are far more open to hearing your experience than they are interested in being lectured to or told what to do. Your best bet is to share your experience in a non-judgemental, humble way. Always put your friendship first.
2) Listen. Ask your friend what she knows about or has heard about breastfeeding. Help her think about any underlying feelings she may have, share yours. Only if you listen to what is really going on with her will you know how to best support her, and be able to direct her to the appropriate resources. Hammering her with the science will do no good if her mother disapproves of her interest in breastfeeding.
This does not work.
3) If you see a mom nursing in public, give her a “thumbs up”! We usually just say “Good for you!” or “Great job!” as we pass by. Many new moms are very nervous about nursing in public and your encouragement gives them a confidence boost and sets a good example for others.
4) Ignore misbehavior. Yes, there are some moms who go too far and are looking for attention, and the best thing you can do in those situations is ignore them. Try to keep it all in perspective—flagrantly whipping your boobs out is still not as bad showing that you are not wearing underwear or something! The more accepting our culture becomes of mothers who nurse discreetly, the sooner the need for militancy, extremism or baring all to make others uncomfortable will disappear. Try to understand that militancy comes about from frustration at the overwhelming odds stacked against moms.
We understand because we used to be uncomfortable with it too! After all, breastfeeding in public has been taboo until recently. It might help to view it like other cultural changes: it took a while to get used to the bikini, or seeing people in their workout clothes. Americans are very flexible culturally-consider that Hummers used to be cool, now they are not, because we are more aware of environmental damage (it’s hip to go green and breastfeeding dovetails perfectly with the environmental movement, it’s the original organic!) We hope that with a little effort, soon breastfeeding will not only be tolerated as normal, but will be celebrated, admired and supported.
Join us to help bring about mainstream change. Send this link to a friend, sign up for our blog, donate so we can help educate more people on how best to support moms. Part of the backlash against breastfeeding has come about because too many people are beating women over the head about breastfeeding but not using the same coaching skills and encouragement they would to support someone to exercise or quit smoking. We have heard horror stories about how women were berated in the hospital, at home, in public and the workplace. Please help us put an end to this abuse! Best for Babes has a group and cause on Facebook, you can help spread the word and raise funds to educate more mothers about how to avoid the “booby traps” and help fight the barriers that are tripping them up. Breastfeeding protects against dozens of diseases, yet most of these diseases have millions more supporters and dollars than any breastfeeding organization. It’s time we all stood up for the “mother of all prevention,” right under our nose!
We welcome more suggestions, posts, and comments for this section. Please contact us!
Well, neither did I, but I sure wasn’t going to tell anyone about it. I suspect that there are many other women who feel the way I did. I didn’t admit it to anyone because I didn’t want anyone hitting me over the head with the benefits of breastfeeding, telling me how long I had to breastfeed, or otherwise guilting me or putting on the pressure.
So we wrote a piece for our friends who don’t want to breastfed, and we hope you will tell us what you think. It’s right on the home page of http://www.bestforbabes.com under “Inspire”.
Bestforbabes.org is the best thing to happen to breastfeeding since the invention of the breastpump! I LOVE the guilt/pressure free way you present everything. --Laura Rimbey, Oregon
Very alienating and frustrating, at least for me.
BfB Help Sheet
BfB Help Sheet-Master
@BestforBabes
Best For Babes
